On what kind of wife I would like to have

By Jan Bilewicz,
Love One Another! 2017-40
Youth

I was inspired to write a letter on the above topic by certain greetings I had been sent, and one fragment from them in particular. It went like this: “I wish for you that you find a good wife, Johnny.”

Thank you, very kindly … I am not actually looking for a wife, but I began thinking what my dream wife would be like. I think that every man faces this question. Today I’d like to share my thoughts with you. The topic is more or less like this: “What kind of wife I’d like to have, or what kind of girls I like the most.”

Good and friendly rather than beautiful

The first thought that comes to my mind is: my wife wouldn’t have to be a “miss” beauty contest finalist. It would even be better if she did not take part in such competitions. Good, kind and graceful rather than beautiful. Those girls considered beautiful by fashion magazines, different jurors from various “miss” competitions or by their circle of friends, are, unfortunately, often miserable. However, they walk as proud as peacocks. If they are constantly being told they are beautiful, attractive, “sexy” etc., they end up thinking that the purpose and meaning of life is to arouse men’s admiration. Never mind other things… And then such a girl spends hours in front of a mirror, applying creams, powders, shadows, lipsticks, blushes, mascaras, etc. In the end, her face looks like it’s from a wax museum in London, but she thinks it is great. A wife like that? And what kind of a mother would she be? To be even more attractive (for – after all – this is most important), you need to look like the fashion show models. You know, these girls are as skinny as a rake, so you need to lose weight. “What if I’m not as thin as they are?”, many a girl is thinking. “Maybe men won’t like me at all?” How much self-denial and self-sacrifice, all of this just to become thin! … Some of those who wanted to reach the peak of such defined “beauty” have almost starved themselves to death, while some have actually died…

I wouldn’t like to be yet another man in turn, in my wife’s life. Because if she had previously played husband and wife with others, then maybe our marriage is also just a game for her?

And then, 10, 15, or 20 years later, when such a “star” begins to age, the same men who used to admire her, begin to adore “beauties” about 10, 15 or 20 years younger, and everything starts to fall apart. (Just like the house built on the sand in Jesus’ parable, see Matt 7: 21-29). You have to apply increasingly thicker layers of powder and mascara, or undergo plastic surgery, but aging progresses anyway. The end of the world! The end of men’s sighs and other women’s envy! Disaster! It truly is a disaster. From the very beginning. If this girl had given as much attention, time and effort as she had given to beautify her body – to beautifying her heart instead, that is to work on herself and to use her talents and pursue her own (not others’) ideals – she would have so much more to offer to others, for example – her uniqueness, wisdom, goodness. This would certainly gain her genuine love and respect (though perhaps not from those men who have only one thing on their minds). The beauty of the heart does not get old and does not fade away like the beauty of the body. On the contrary – it is like wine that matures and takes on flavor with time.

If too much attention is paid to one’s own body, then – understandably – one wants to expose it. I myself am not keen on girls walking around the city with bare bellies and thighs, in transparent dresses, trousers that look like tights or shorts that look like panties. I’m going to explain why. But before I do, I’d like to write about which girls I am keen on … They are those who are full of feminine charm and warmth, who are modest and natural. They do not seek cheap popularity. They do not go with the flow of different fashions, but they know how to have their own opinion and taste. They know what is good and what is bad, and therefore do not lend themselves mindlessly to the opinions of those around them or the media. They are gentle, but they also know how to be bold and decisive. They work on themselves. They have principles. The Holy Scriptures express well what I want to say: “A capable wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her” (Prov 31:10-11a). “Do not dismiss a wise and good wife, for her charm is worth more than gold.” (Sir 7:19). A wise, good and brave wife is more precious than jewels and gold. How true! Wise and good, not fashionable and vain. “A wife’s charm delights her husband, and her skill puts flesh on his bones. A silent wife is a gift from the Lord. […] A modest wife adds charm to charm” (Sir 26:13,14a,15a).

When I meet a girl who is characterized by the above, my heart genuinely “rejoices.” She does not even suspect that her presence brings me joy. And there are no negative emotions or desires … Innocent girls evoke in me pure feelings: joy, delight, protectiveness, I would even say – love – the love of God.

And what feelings do girls dressed according to the latest fashion evoke in me? I mean girls who are more undressed than dressed? Provocative girls tempt me to immodest thoughts and desires, so I try to stay away from them. I am neither wood nor stone, but flesh and blood, and on top of that, I am contaminated by original sin. Fortunately, with God’s help, I have learned to control these reactions. Of course, it always requires some effort, bigger or smaller, depending on how fashionable (or undressed) a girl is.

Innocent girls evoke in me pure feelings: joy, delight, protectiveness, I would even say – love – the love of God

I need to sort out inner confusion caused by this type of impulse. In other words, it’s like this: instead of admiring the girl and enjoying her presence, I have to fight with myself. And when I walk down the street and I see such a naked person every 100 meters, I begin to get nervous. These girls are aggressive!

To defend love from lust

One thought on the sideline. You may be wondering what it’s going to be like after the wedding. After all, the wife won’t be constantly walking around the house all buttoned up. Well, you’re right! But then the situation will be completely different. My bride-to-be would have to first give me a chance to develop a positive attitude and feelings towards her, which I have mentioned above. That must be the starting point. And so she must be modest. If not, desire will stifle love, or even will not allow it to start. Let’s go back to the beginning. Suppose I have a dream bride-to-be. I’m beginning to love her because of her inner beauty (at this stage the body may only arouse lust). Love slowly grows and matures. I love her more and more. If one of us behaved immodestly now (temptations are, as you know, very strong), physical desire would dominate, lessen and finally kill our love. It is still a bit like a small, delicate seedling in need of protection, but with time – if we are patient – it will grow into a mighty tree, which no wind will break. Let’s assume that we were patient and managed to defend our love from lust. Now we love each other so much that we want to be together forever, for good or bad, in joy and in sorrow. We are sure of this. In the presence of God, a representative of His Church and witnesses we make vows of love and faithfulness till death do us part. This act of commitment for life deepens our love even more. The grace of the sacrament of marriage – very importantly – begins to work. And such mature love, supported by the grace of God, can keep lust under control. Now you do not desire the body of your bride, you love it. Of course, I’d like to love the body of my wife, and not lust after it, because when you lust after something, you treat it as an object. And how can you treat as an object the person closest to you in the world?

Virgins are beautiful

My ideal candidate for wife is a virgin. Not only mine! I believe that 95% of men would like to marry virgins (the remaining 5% – I assure you – aren’t really very nice guys). I wouldn’t like to be yet another man in turn, in my wife’s life. Because if she had previously played husband and wife with others, then maybe our marriage is also just a game for her? If I am just another man in turn, then maybe I’m not the last one? And if she has treated sex lightly so far, she may likely betray me at the earliest opportunity. Does it make sense?… Is it O.K. to have such doubts? You probably also wouldn’t like to marry someone who had chased after the girls before. Because if he has got used to this lifestyle, there’s little chance that he will change after the wedding. At best, maybe he’ll modify it a bit. Deep conversions happen, but rarely. Counting on such a conversion after the wedding would be a bit like playing the lottery. Certainly I would like to marry a virgin. Virgins are beautiful! It is said: “virgin forests”, “virgin landscape” – and this is what this term really means: naturalness, beauty, harmony, peace. “Virgin nature” means: intact and clean. Mother Teresa of Calcutta said: “The greatest gift – how much more than money and dowry – that you can give yourself on your wedding day, is a pure heart and virgin body.” I totally agree. And St. Leopold said that one virgin pure in body and soul is worth more than all the queens of the world with their riches. Of course, one virgin as a candidate for wife, is worth more than all the famous models plus all the movie stars together, all as rich as they are spoiled. There are also virgins on their way to losing their virginity (fortunately, it is always possible to turn back from this road). Actually, they are virgins only physically, because deep in their hearts they are not anymore. Their behavior and their views show that they will give themselves to someone in a month, or in five, or in a year, just to catch up with their friends or out of curiosity, to see “what it’s like”. However, there are also girls who happened to make a mistake and they know this very well. They sincerely regret their mistakes. Repentance and confession of sin cleanses them. If they persist in purity, they become beautiful again, although they will not recover full innocence.

“The greatest gift – how much more than money and dowry – that you can give yourself on your wedding day, is a pure heart and virgin body” (St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta)

Two roads

My ideal wife is also reflected well in the words of the Holy Father Pius XII, who said: “… The wife and mother is indeed like the sun shining in the family. She shines by her generosity and the way she gives herself to others. She shines by her alertness and watchfulness and by her wise and gentle providing of all that can give joy to her husband and children. She radiates light and warmth. The wife is like the sun shining in the family with the brightness of her glance and the ardour of her speech. […], by her unforced, transparent sincerity, by her simple dignity, by her decent Christian behavior … Subtle signs of feeling, shades of expression, silences and smiles without maliciousness, give her the grace of an exquisite but simple flower … If only you could know the full depth of the feelings of love and gratitude that such a perfect wife and mother inspires in her husband and children!” A beautiful ideal! Quite different from that promoted by the mainstream media. Rather the opposite. They would mock this ideal. Their virtues are: selfishness, self-serving, manipulation, taking things lightly, promiscuity and vulgarity. And their gods are: consumption, pleasure and mammon … Is it possible to achieve our most beautiful ideals? Can we ourselves become good spouses and parents? The aged Simeon said about Jesus: “This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many …” (Luke 2;34). So they who reject Christ, fall and live fallen. Those who accept Him and walk with Him, arise from their weaknesses, faults and sins and achieve highest ideals. There are two roads. One leads lower and lower down, the other one leads up, to true heights. What is the conclusion of my reflections? I would like my bride-tobe, and then my wife and mother of my children, to be a believer. So devout that she will love Jesus more than me. Although in a different way, but still more. Is it strange? … Not at all! He who is the source of true love and all good things must always come first. And also for me Jesus would have to be the most important, so that I would know how to love my wife with a true love. And I seek only this kind of love.

Source: https://loamagazine.org/archive/2017/2017-40/on-what-kind-of-wife-i-would-like-to-have

The above article was published with permission from Miłujcie się! in May 2021.

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