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By Hanna and Xavier Bordas,
Marital love is the greatest treasure of every family and as any treasure it must be guarded well. The first guardian of marital love is fidelity. For this reason the first words of the marriage vows speak of the fidelity of the spouses to each other.
To grow within it, we need a model of this attitude. For spouses, the best example of respect for this spiritual value is offered by St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary’s fiat, which paved the way for the incarnation of the Son of God, was a fruit of her fidelity to God from early childhood. Owing to her fidelity, she remained staunchly faithful in every situation, including the ordeal testing her faith when she stood as the Mother of Sorrows under Jesus’ cross, faithfully accompanying her dying Son. When she heard from Jesus’ mouth the words: “Woman, here is your son” (John 19:26), she took them to her heart. The Virgin Mary, by virtue of her fidelity, became a guarantor of our salvation. St. Joseph, the most righteous of all husbands, even in the most difficult situation for every man – when he learned of the pregnancy of his future wife before the wedding – stayed faithful to the love he promised Mary: “When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly (Matt 1:18-19). St. Joseph by virtue of his fidelity was able to be submissive and obedient when the angel of the Lord told him to take Mary as his wife. Fidelity in everyday lifeWhen we think of marital fidelity, we usually associate it with the opposite of the sin of betrayal. Hence, many people who live in harmony with their spouse do not confess light sins against fidelity committed by thought, word, act or omission. However, a grave betrayal is reached by way of small infidelities. Marital fidelity concerns all the spheres of married life, not only those of the bed and emotions. All daily situations are important; these are approaches to sin in the matter of unfaithfulness. Let us ask St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary to make our consciences sensitive enough so that we can react immediately to these situations that weaken our marital ties! Frequently, we are not aware of those dangerously critical moments when instead of defending our spouse, who makes mistakes in front of others, we side with people who criticize him or her or we even directly attack our spouse. “It is crucial not to attack the spouse in any way in front of others; if he or she is attacked, it is better to defend him or her and not allow others to bad-mouth the spouse; if he or she is criticized stand by him, play down any blunder he or she may make, excuse any mistakes, redress any damage, never say anything that might damage his or her good name” (Fr. Stanisław Gancarek, On Marital Vows).
Fidelity at the time of crisisCrisis is part and parcel of the development of any human relationship and it may contribute towards the growth of mutual love. It becomes a test of marital fidelity. The problem is that in this test we may yield to the temptation of turning to people who should not have any part in it or interfere with it in any way. It is necessary to find a person from outside who would support us and help us face the crisis. Such people – prudent, competent and peace-bearing – exist. This might be a priest, psychologist, leader of a parish group or somebody else whom God sends us. Such a person could see our problem from God’s – just and merciful – perspective. Confiding to family members that one has problems in marriage may only aggravate them and divide the family. Specifically, turning for help in solving marriage problems to parents, who prior to the marriage did not approve of the son- or daughter-in-law, only exacerbates the conflict instead of alleviating it. For they get an opportunity then to show their prejudice towards their child’s spouse.
Such mistakes need to be recognized and confessed. What this takes is a dialogue with your spouse that requires one to listen and to be willing to understand the other person, as well as to speak in a constructive and not destructive way. A dialogue by itself will not solve the problem, either; a consensus may be reached at best. Whereas the purpose of all this is making the verbal exchange join both hearts so that they beat in unison! Let us search for the possibilities of sorting out such crisis situations by praying together and cooperating with God’s grace. Let us live as simple and humble life as we can, let us offer thanks for every day, cultivating thus the beautiful flower of the sacrament of marital love by mutual care and dialogue. Let us entrust all our problems to God through the hands of the Virgin Mary, believing that she will stay faithful to Him in us and for us while our crisis turns into a trial of faith which will leave us victorious and reinforced. It so happens that in crises, resulting from the neglect of marital ties, an escape from the problem is offered by somebody or something else in which we invest our affections due to problems with one’s spouse. Thus, women may find a wrong emotional refuge in children. Excessive, downright compulsive, attachment to children may be a symptom of such unfaithfulness. The husband is then relegated to the margin, while the wife transfers her entire attention and affections to children: “This is always wrong and ends in the breakdown of marriage. If it happens, it should be the subject of confession. Spouses belong to each other. Their mutual gift of themselves, sealed and hallowed by the grace of the sacrament, is irrevocable and total” (Fr. Stanisław Gancarek, On Marital Vows). Such situations may undercut marriage ties. Children do not feel comfortable then, either. They feel safe, however, when their parents simply love each other and when their mother does not question the opinions children find important expressed by their father, while father shows regard for mother’s tender heart for the children. Specifically, he should not cancel out her care with his severity; instead, he should rather seek harmony and balance so that their efforts to care for their children complement one another. Any imbalance results unfavorably on the children’s emotional state. They do not understand everything, but regardless of their age, they unerringly sense that the bonds between their parents are loosening and the foundations of their family are beginning to crumble. This makes them lose their sense of safety, which, in turn, disrupts their development, induces undesirable behavior and causes anxiety. No parent ever wants to make their children their own victims, do they?! Thus, a spouse is the most important person on earth second only to God. Any excessive attachment to other persons close to us may pose a threat to our marriage, bringing about an emotional split. This in turn may make the spouses embark on two divergent paths in life. The sooner we realize that such a situation has arisen, the easier will it be to restore a proper relationship. What shall we do when we realize that we are participating in something that is inconsistent with God’s Will? Preferably – and as soon as possible – cry for help to Jesus who is alive in your sacrament of marriage and run into the arms of the Virgin Mary with the confidence of a child, giving to her our infidelities and thanking her in advance for her continuing faithfulness to our spouse in us and through us. It is vital, having armed oneself in God’s weapons, to take up the struggle, availing ourselves of all the means the Church has given us: sacramental life, persistent prayer, the Eucharist and adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. The point is to live in sanctifying grace and in everything look for God’s Will. For this purpose, it is necessary to follow divine precepts and combat mortal sin.
Here, too, a priest may provide valuable help. It is good when both spouses have the same confessor, who with time can be asked to provide spiritual direction. When we open our hearts to God through a priest, we allow the Creator to unveil to us those approaches to sin where our infidelities start. In this way, he will be able to help us care for the bonds that join us and protect them. “In the sacrament of penance and reconciliation you will always receive light and grace necessary to resolve creatively marriage problems from merciful and omnipotent God. Your joint confession, preferably with the same priest, is the most certain guarantee of problem resolution. Do not waive this great grace which is inaccessible to either atheists or agnostics or believers in other religions. Without it you will not be helped in your misery” (Fr. Stanisław Gancarek, On Marital Vows). Fidelity in infidelityInfidelity on the part of one spouse calls for a heroic attitude on the part of the other who should continue in fidelity, relying on Christ who is injured and battered in this marriage. Taking up this cross, it is worth asking oneself the following question: how has this happened? The point is not to pin the blame or open old wounds but rather to bounce back constructively. There must take place a thorough examination of conscience: when and why have we stopped growing in love and drawing on the love of Christ present in our sacrament? Maybe there have not been any direct clashes but simply sins of neglect, absence of dialogue and understanding, which lead to couples tiring of each other. This makes one search for happiness and understanding elsewhere. And then, you are one step short of a downfall – a mortal sin that kills the grace of marital love. If one spouse is guilty of marital infidelity, because he or she has lost his or her head and fallen in love with somebody else, it is important that the other spouse remains trustful and faithful. It may even seem that everything is lost. Such a marriage is like a ship which has lost its mast and rudder in a storm while foaming waves drive it onto rocks where it will certainly be wrecked. What do wise seamen do in such situations? They take the measure of last resort: drop the anchor to stop the ship and save it from being wrecked. In spiritual life, trust in God’s help is such an anchor (see Bl. M. Sopoćko, God’s Mercy in His Works). Similarly, a wise husband or wife, clinging to the cross of Christ, drops the anchor of trust and relies completely on Christ. Overcoming anxiety, he or she takes up persistent and insistent prayer, and puts trust in God. Then, Jesus can do anything! There are no hopeless situations! Jesus did not say the following words for nothing: “But the one who endures to the end will be saved” (Mark 13:13). Similarly, it can be said: “But the one who endures to the end will save his or her marriage and the salvation of them both.” Fidelity will pay off in time and reinforce love so much that it will be like a rock not only for the entire family, but also for people around you, and by virtue of the participation in the Mystic Body of Christ – for the entire Church. “It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being. This makes it all the more important to proclaim the Good News that God loves us with a definitive and irrevocable love, that married couples share in this love, that it supports and sustains them, and that by their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God’s faithful love” (CCC 1648, cf. John Paul II, Familiaris consortio, 20). Marital fidelity concerns all the spheres of married life, not only those of the bed and emotions. Crisis is part and parcel of the development of any human relationship and it may contribute towards the growth of mutual love. It becomes a test of marital fidelity. Let us search for the possibilities of sorting out such crisis situations by praying together and cooperating with God’s grace. Source: https://loamagazine.org/archive/2017/2017-39/faithful-love The above article was published with permission from Miłujcie się! in April 2021. Read more Christian articles (English)
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