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By Testimony,
I know that my life could have turned out differently if God hadn’t been absent from it. I certainly wouldn’t have killed my children.
For thirty years of my life, I was far from God. During that time, I made a lot of mistakes. I rushed blindly through life thinking mostly of satisfying my hedonistic needs. Drugs, alcohol, entertainment, games, men, taking on three different university programmes, imagining a career, a desire to succeed. Through all of this, I remained sensitive and empathetic, so I thought I was a so-called “good person”, at most harming only myself… Some time after I married, I wanted to become a mother. I discarded strong drink and the company I had been keeping up to that time, and, after a year-and-a-half’s effort, our expected and desired daughter came into the world. We were overjoyed, but still far from God. We started having marital problems, family problems and financial problems. I threw myself into the rush of work and additional studies, still dreaming of a career, which was my principal goal. It was exactly then that I became pregnant again. This time with twins. We weren’t ready for this. Or at least that’s how we felt at the time. New arguments arose all the time confirming our idea that this wasn’t a good time for another child. So, after some weeks of vacillation, we decided to get an abortion. Up to that time, abortion to me had been just an idea, a term that I hadn’t had much to do with. Nor did I have a strongly held opinion on the subject. However, I decided to submit myself to it and, as often occurs, at first I felt relief. I thought I was alleviating a problem, and I waited for everything to return to normal, to be like it was before. Yet that didn’t happen. The problems were only starting. Problems in my marriage, at work, in the family, with my physical health and, what was worst, with my psychological state. I don’t even know when I fell into depression. My situation grew worse every day. I couldn’t love anymore, I couldn’t be happy any more, I couldn’t live any more. Time after time, I tried to commit suicide. I closed myself off to the world and to people. My dear daughter became an irritation to me, and our marriage fell apart. My life was becoming a nightmare. I went to a psychiatrist looking for help, and he prescribed a medicinal treatment for me. I also went to a therapy programme for post-abortive women, and soon began to feel better, but I always had the feeling that there was still something wrong. Neither the pills nor the psychotherapy enabled me to cope with the overwhelming pangs of conscience, the feeling of low self-esteem or the lack of forgiveness. I felt like no one was able to help me, and that it would never end.
I kept looking for help, because I knew that I had to survive, if only for my daughter. On the Internet, I found information about the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat, and even though I was so far from God, I determined to give it a try. I signed myself up as a participant and, although full of fear, I went. There, I found everything I needed: acceptance, faith, mercy, warmth, hope, freedom, relief, love and joy. I met wonderful people and heard painful but moving stories from other participants. I duly said goodbye to my lost babies and forgave everyone, including myself. Finally, I was ready to cope with the future and found a new sense in living. I know that my life could have turned out differently if God hadn’t been absent from it. I certainly wouldn’t have killed my children. I could have had them with me, seen how they were growing, how they played, what made them happy and what made them sad, I could have been holding them and listening to them call me their mother. But it’s not to be; they made the greatest sacrifice. They died because I lacked faith. Now I am building my life on true values, and I know I’m not alone, because God is with me through the good and the bad. So many times, He knocked at my door, but couldn’t get through to me, because I knew everything best. I had to go through such a tragedy in order to finally open my heart to Jesus. I can’t believe that I lost so much time, so much life; but it’s never too late for anyone. When I began the retreat, I was separated from my husband, and I was certain that nothing could heal our relationship. Fortunately, I was wrong. We gave ourselves and our daughter the chance for a life in love, faith and a feeling of security and respect. Annie Source: https://loamagazine.org/archive/2016/2016-35/can-one-live-normally-after-an-abortion The above article was published with permission from Miłujcie się! in September 2020.
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