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Author: Testimony,
I am sixteen years old. I am not exactly sure when pornography entered into my life, but it must have been when I was thirteen or fourteen. Nor do I remember if I got into it as a result of my friends’ cutting remarks or from casually browsing the Net. No doubt copies of Bravo magazine lent to me by friends aroused my appetite for erotic images. Finding a porn channel on TV was a simple matter of browsing the menu. I was not really aware I was committing a sin then. I very much regret that I introduced my friend to my Internet “pastime.” But I was ashamed of my weakness, especially before my parents, who love me dearly. One day I switched off the TV without deleting the adult channel I had been watching. My parents returned home to discover what their sweet daughter had been up to. During the serious talk that followed, my mother told me I was causing Jesus great pain. The next day I went to confession and came home feeling as happy as a lark. I broke my habit for a year, maybe longer. But then I became interested in these matters again. Once again I began surfing the net for pornographic sites. After each sin, I would feel terrible and go to confession as soon as possible. Despite this, I did not put an end to the habit; instead, I began looking for stronger experiences. In doing so, I was also sinning against the Holy Spirit, for I would say to myself: “Oh, here I am sinning again. I’ll have to go to confession” — and then I would go right on watching. One day, determined to put an end to it, I told myself, “That’s it! No more. God will strengthen me in the Movement of Pure Hearts!” But my determination did not last long. I did not join MPH. The prospect of all those promises terrified me. Finally, I realized how quickly one sin would bring two more in its train. How easily it is to get oneself into a vicious cycle! I made a decision. This time I did join MPH. Today I went to confession. (Good old Fr. Zdzisław! He always knows how to lift your spirits!) I received Jesus in Holy Communion and stayed behind after Mass. I whispered the Act of Consecration. Christ filled me with His strength and love. On leaving the church I could have leapt for joy! The verse “I can do all things in Him who strengthens me” finally touched me deeply. I looked up and decided that from now on my heart would be as pure as the blue sky. This year I plan to go on my first pilgrimage to Częstochowa. I trust it will not be the last. Here I wish to touch on the problem of eating as well. This has to do with the question of self-acceptance. How much you need God’s love in order to love yourself! I could not accept myself. Of course, I knew you could not judge a book by its cover, but your environment can convince you of so much. My friends’ jabs hurt me the most: “Oh, Camilla, look! Slimming cream from Avon. Maybe you’ll order some for yourself?” or “You’re joking! Camilla’s fingers are fatter than mine!” Then there were my brother’s comments that I looked eight months pregnant; that I was as big as a barrel. I was often the target of such wounding remarks, so I decided to lose weight. I starved myself and watched my calories. But after losing a couple of kilograms, I had enough of my diet. I still felt I had to lose weight, but I simply could not manage. I starved myself all day only to wolf down a whole loaf of bread in the evening. Then I suffered from terrible guilt pangs. Fortunately, something prevented me from going to the bathroom and throwing up. The styles created by the media are largely responsible for this: Barbie dolls instead of real women. I dream for the day when “thin” stops counting for so much; when someone will have the courage to display costumes on mannequins with a BMI of more than 20. But perhaps these are unrealistic dreams! My mother is my best friend. With her I can talk about clothes, my friends, boys, parties — you name it. One day I told her about my eating problem. She became very, very worried. She shared her concerns with my older sister, who responded with a very simple and effective method: after coming home from her university classes, she would sit down and watch me eat my dinner. She could not care less about my diet. Since then I have begun to eat normally. I know that our loving God is with me and supports me in all the twists and turns of my life. He has helped me to accept myself as I am. Holy Communion for me is like a kiss from God. I can actually feel Him embrace me. I feel warm and safe in His arms. The Eucharist is an encounter with the Bridegroom! Camilla The above article was published with permission from "Love One Another!" in June 2016. Read more Christian articles (English)
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