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A testimony
When I was in grade four, a couple of friends and I started watching porno videos. The father of one of these friends had a whole stack of them. We would watch these perversions and masturbate together. This happened in the 1980s, when such material was pouring into Poland from Germany. We lived off this filth. In time we came to see this as normal “adult” entertainment. Soon it was smokes, smutty language, and, a few years later, booze. I looked forward to my “first lay.” I wanted to do it the way I saw it in the videos. After all, a certain image of women had been seared into my mind. I scored my first “success” in grade nine. I felt great and proud of myself. I boasted to my friends about my “conquest,” a girl who was a year or two older than I. Pornography had given me a taste for women older than myself. I racked up more conquests, and during slack times — well, there was always masturbation and porn. At last, I realized my dream. I got to know a woman quite a bit older than myself, who matched my image of a porn queen. We went together for several years, indulging in the kinkiest and most depraved sexual acts. We behaved worse than animals, going to extraordinary lengths to satisfy our lusts. My “porn star” would put on whatever I told her to wear. She made me the envy of all my friends. Not that this stopped me from seeking out other women in the discos and bars. Twice I had to visit the dermatologist for contracting dermatomycosis. As time went on, free love and casual relationships no longer gave me any pleasure. I grew to feel empty and dissatisfied. To me sex had become nothing more than a debasing, mechanical act, a mere relieving of oneself. Even now, years after my religious conversion and long after ending my relationship with my girlfriend, I find myself beset by the images that pornography seared into my memory. The deformed image of women it projected still haunts me. Lustful thoughts attack my subconscious. Despite my conversion, I still lapse, almost mechanically, into my old habits of self-abuse. I amuse myself with virtual sex on the Internet, and look at pornographic films and pictures. I do this as if my brain were programmed to do this, as if I had no choice in the matter. I am now going through a time of purification. I do not know how long this will last. What I do know is that until I learn to exercise mastery over my body, I will not be able to love chastely. The thought of marrying a porn star holds out little attraction to me. My struggle with purity goes on. Every day I pray and do battle with my evil habits. I work on my laziness and try to carry out my responsibilities conscientiously. I engage in sports and take advantage of the power of the Sacrament of Penance, especially when times are hard. When I do fall into sin, I waste no time in going to Confession, since one sin tends to lead to another. A person’s sexuality is a delicate dimension: it is so easy to bend it out of shape and so hard to straighten it. My sexuality has truly been deformed. I now realize how humiliating and painful this is. Five weeks is the longest time I have been able to remain chaste. Now that I have joined MPH I believe I will persevere in my resolve. I am subject to many temptations, and will continue to be so. On the one hand, I want to rid myself of this sin once and for all, but on the other, it is as though I cannot live without it. I am unable to put an end to it and accept the gospel without compromise. Jesus heals every illness and weakness (Mt 9:35. Saint Paul tells us that in our fight against sin, we have not yet had to keep fighting to the point of death (Heb 12:4). That is what the gospel without compromise is. I have noticed, however, that when I remain chaste for longer periods, my strength and endurance grow. I see this especially in my work and sports activities. This is a clear sign that sin has an impact on our health and physical condition. So the struggle is worth it. To fight like a soldier of Christ (2 Tim 2:3)! And even though it is not easy, I will continue the struggle. Please pray for me as I pray for you. Mary! Virgin without blemish! Confide me to your special care and watch over the purity of my heart, body, and soul. You are the Star and Exemplar of my life! (St. Faustina Kowalska) A regular reader of Love One Another Magazine. The above article was published with permission from Miłujcie się! in November 2010
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