It all began quite unconsciously in my childhood. I was punished with excessive severity. My father was not above using the belt. I never confessed this sin at my First Confession.

This nightmare came to haunt me when I was in high school. The habit became an addiction. To all appearances I was a happy young woman. I was a good student, had lots of friends, and felt loved. I am the kind of person who needs to be perfect in every area of life. I know now that this perfectionism made me feel self-sufficient. Precisely because of my poverty and woundedness I was too proud to fall at Jesus’ feet. 

“I am waiting for you in the confessional” I once heard Him say while I was praying.

“No, Lord” I replied in my pride, “I will deal with it on my own.”   

But I was unable to deal with my impurity on my own. The Lord kept whittling away at my pride until, finally, I repeated the words of the Prodigal Son. “I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, ‘Father, I have sinned…

I asked Jesus to show me a priest who would guide me. (I had previously met with rejection and lack of understanding in the confessional.) The Lord took pity on me and led me to a monk, who, on hearing me, said: “You have been through hell. We will have to pray a lot.” Thus the Lord began the process of healing me of self-abuse. He also began to heal my childhood memories. I started to pray the rosary, taking advantage of every free moment (e.g. while traveling on the bus). I read the Bible, received Jesus frequently in Holy Communion, and went for spiritual direction.

I have now been struggling for purity for three years. At times I stray from Jesus and forget to pray, and each time impurity comes to haunt me again. But my relapses are less and less frequent, and I believe that one day the Lord will heal me of my addiction altogether. Trusting in Jesus has helped me to see that my sexuality is His gift. He did not give it to me for the satisfaction of my selfish pleasures. Heeding God’s call, I pray for all those wrestling with similar problems. Let us remember what Scripture tells us: “Our help is in the name of the Lord, who created Heaven and Earth” (Ps 124:8); “With him there is plenteous redemption. And he will redeem [us] from all [our] iniquities (Ps 130:7).