I too abused myself when I was growing up. I wrestled with the problem for five years. As with most people, it all began with a vivid imagination aroused by bad magazines — pornographic magazines, and hardcore at that (group sex and other perversions). I came into contact with this material as a nine-year-old girl thanks to the carelessness of my parents. Unaware of the dangers, I began leafing through the colorful magazines. At that time I knew very little about sex, and the illustrations had an enormous impact on me. The damage this material did to me, the internal distortions it caused, became especially evident during my adolescence. By the time I was going to high school, I was feeding myself on this filth. The results were lamentable. Before I realized how evil and destructive this material was, I was too deeply mired in it — up to my ears! I felt enslaved by my habit, unable to break free of it. And how I tried! “Never again!” I’d say to myself, but always ended up giving in. This was terribly humiliating. I began to loathe myself.

After that came great temptations to deny God, since then I wouldn’t need to struggle with my addiction and myself. I could wallow “comfortably” in the mire. I wanted to dull my conscience. Now I can say, thank God this didn’t happen! I felt wretchedly unhappy with my weakness, which I kept a deep dark secret. But God gave me the grace to believe that only He could heal me. I remember crying to Him like the leper in the Gospel: “Lord, if you wish it, you can make me clean!” And I added, “Lord, please say, ‘I wish it. Be healed!’” And then one day, during confession, there was a miracle. Jesus healed me! With a wave of the hand, it seems, He set me free. Even the temptations left me. Now, several years later, I can see that in fact He continued to heal me for a considerable time beyond that day. Maybe He is still healing me of the wounds caused by that sin. But today I am free and happy. I attribute this to Jesus, who is my best Friend! My warmest best wishes to the editors and all the readers of Love One Another Magazine.