I felt the need to masturbate several times a day, even though I really didn’t want to do it. I hated myself. Every time I did it, I felt absolutely awful, like a nobody. Satan toyed with my life, and I, not knowing what to do, let him go on. I remember holding a knife over my wrist one night. I thought it would be better to die than to go on living like this. The thought returned with increasing frequency. I resolved many times to break the habit, but every time I would fall back into it with even greater abandon. My life became one enormous void and suffering. There was nothing you could compare the pain with. It was the death agony of a soul torn from God. I lost hope. I no longer believed it possible to live without this addiction. I hit rock bottom.

But throughout all this time there was Someone fighting for me, Someone who suffered along with me, Someone who believed in me, who wouldn’t let me die, Someone who had not written me off, but who wrenched my mortally wounded life out of the Pit. Jesus found me! While attending a four-day retreat, I experienced a conversion – a great about-face toward Love. It was then that Jesus took upon Himself the heavy burden of my life. I realized that only Jesus could rescue me from the darkness.

 

If you find yourself enslaved to an addiction, I beg you, do not struggle on your own! Do not try to get up on your own, for you will surely fail. Believe me, Jesus is your only help! Only He can lead you from the brink of death to authentic, Divine, eternal life.

It will soon be two years since my return to the path of light. Since my retreat I have given in to self-abuse only once, but I immediately got up again, because, after all, Jesus loves me! I know He will never cast me away, even though my sins be as scarlet (Is 1 : 18).

Dear friend, if you are suffering as I once did, please go to Jesus and offer Him your life. Give Him every wound, every sin and weakness. He does not want you to fall into the darkness. Christ wants you to live and radiate happiness, because He loves you! Please believe me, because I really wasted a lot of time to realize this. Jesus is my strength, my hope, my life, my one and all! Only He brings me freedom. My Lord brings me life. He offers Himself as a victim and desires only that I love Him. That is all He wants. That’s my beloved Lord for you!

 

Your sister in Christ