Touching my private parts gave me pleasure, and soon developed into a habit. Puberty set in. An extravagant imagination turned my thoughts to impure acts. Along with this came magazines larded with erotic stories. The worst thing was that I was aware of the evil of these deeds, and still I was unable to put an end to them. An inner sadness accompanied each act. I swore I would no longer give in to my urges. But human beings are too weak to conquer sin by their own efforts. I did not understand this. I wanted to do this on my own, but I got nowhere. The whole business exhausted my efforts, and I would have thrown in the towel, if the Holy Spirit had not come to my rescue. He prompted me to make a general confession. For several days I prepared myself for the event. Above all, I begged the Lord to give me courage. And He heard me. During the confession, I unloaded all my troubles on Jesus. Instantly I felt a great weight drop from my shoulders. I truly met Jesus in that confessional. Prior to this, I had gone out of my way to tell the confessor as little as possible. I was too ashamed.

After my general confession, I did not immediately stop abusing myself. Satan had not given me up for lost, and I was to experience moments of weakness many times yet. But I noticed a difference. I was committing the sin less and less often. Jesus healed me slowly, by degrees. I grew to understand many things — things I had not stopped to consider before. I understood that shame, the result of sin, would remain with me for a good while. This was to remind me not to fall into the snare of sin again. Even though several years have now passed, I must still be watchful of my thoughts, what I read and look at. When temptation arises, I ask for God’s help. Masturbation is a sin, which leaves deep traces on the soul. To this day, I am plagued by excessive shyness, timidity, fear of people, and a tendency to be reclusive.

I pray for all those who struggle with this sin. I pray that they do not despair but place all their hope in Jesus. A sincere confession, ardent prayer, and an exercise of willpower should help. When Jesus heals us, it is important that we place unbounded trust in Him, and also that we forgive ourselves. It took me a while to consider writing this testimony. I recall that your magazine’s testimonies of young people on the subject of masturbation had a great impact on my own journey. I admired their courage and openness regarding a topic around which I felt so much shame. Today I am standing with them. My great hope is that this witness will speak to someone and signal in that person the beginnings of a new life.

 

Mirka